i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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