I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
