i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
