My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
