I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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