can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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