he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
