I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
