I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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