I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
