thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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