Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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