Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
