Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
