You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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