There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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