All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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