Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
