my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
