I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
