So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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