its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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