i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
