No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
