coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
