Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
