Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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