Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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