she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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