I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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