I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
