be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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