Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
