Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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