She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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