I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
