My room smells like vodka and shame
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
did i just pee glitter
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
