I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
