Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
