Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
