fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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