Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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