Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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