I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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