I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
