I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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