made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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