i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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