everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
