To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
