I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize