Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
