no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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