i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
