Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize