Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
