in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
be right there i have to get my cape
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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