My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just forgot I was standing up.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
