i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
