Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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