he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
